I'll Miss You, Grandma

I really appreciate the phone calls, texts and comments that I have received since my last post about my grandmother, and it has taken me a few days to find what I wanted to say about her passing, because it just felt weird putting it on the internet. I think it's because everyone has that person on Facebook who is having some type of mega-crisis and they're always asking for sympathy. I just don't want to be that person, and I don't want to make my grandmother's passing about me.

After she requested to be on Hospice care at the hospital, I made it a point to spend as much time with her as I could. I can't remember which day exactly...I want to say it was Tuesday, when I went to leave for the evening, she grabbed both of my hands and told me how much she loves me, and that I 'better not forget it.' She also told me to take care of myself and Baby Nathan. I am so thankful that we were able to have this moment and talk about how much we loved each other, because it's a moment that I wouldn't trade for anything. I even told my mom recently that I've been lucky so far, that when my Grandmom died in 2006, the last thing she said to me was, "I love you" and the last thing my dad said to me before he died in 2010 was that he was proud of me and that he loved me.

On Wednesday, I was asked to spend the day with her at the hospital because my mom was exhausted, and since I don't have work right now, it made perfect sense to me to do it. I got there at 8am and she was in a lot of pain. I did everything I could do comfort her and ease her pain. I continuously asked the nurses for pain medicine, and they were diligent in fulfilling my requests. I also sat by her when she was awake and held her hand, giving her sips of water, and occasionally wipe her face with a cool wash cloth, which seemed really soothing to her. After a couple of hours of this and her pain becoming unbearable, I asked her if she would like a sedative so she wouldn't have to be awake for the pain, and she eagerly agreed. I asked the nurse for it and they gave it to her, and for the rest of the day, she was able to sleep. She woke up a few times asking for water, but would fall back asleep before I even had time to grab the cup. Around 7, I left for about 2 hours to go watch my husband play the drums in our church's band just a few minutes away at the Galveston Strand, and returned when it was over. I stayed until 11:30ish and found that it was hard to leave. I hated leaving her when she was asleep, because I didn't want to miss her being awake.

The next morning, (Thursday, June 14) Travis woke me up at 7 to let me know that my mom had just called with the news that Grandma passed away. The first thing I said was, "I'm so relieved" because watching her suffer was difficult for me. She told me on Wednesday that she was ready because the pain was too much. She had accepted it, and I did too. I just wanted her pain and suffering to end, and I am still thankful that it's over, because I believe in Heaven, so in my heart I know that she's in Heaven and for the first time in many years, she isn't in pain. She's been reunited with her sons that passed away before her, and while I know that we will all miss her here, it brings me comfort and peace to know that she's there.

Overall, I haven't cried much about it, but I think because I have such a strong belief that Heaven exists, it comforts me. The things that get me choked up are thinking about my nephew, Ethan dealing with this. He has seen her and spent time with her almost every single day of his entire life. He's only 6 years old, and it breaks my heart that he can't fully grasp it all just yet. He brought her so much joy in the last 6 years; joys that she probably wouldn't have had, because she's been in pain for a long time, but Ethan is the kind of kid that makes you forget your troubles and your pain. He just makes things better because he is a genuinely sweet child who loved her a much as she loved him.

I also keep worrying about my younger brother and how he's taking it. He's 21, but she was his second mom. He and I have talked about my relationship with our Grandmom (who passed in 2006) compared to his relationship with our Grandma and how similar they are. Grandmom was my second mom. She was a huge part of my life and without her, I wouldn't be the person I am today. I love all of my grandparents and always have, but my relationship with her was different. The same is true for my brother and our Grandma. I know what he's going through, because I've been through it. I know how hard it is, and if I could do anything to keep him from going through it, I would, but I can't, and that it what's hard for me.

Lastly, I keep worrying about my mom. My mom has been taking care of my Grandma and Grandpa since 2004 when my Grandma fell and broke her hip. Being a caretaker is not easy. How do you tell an adult who has been making decisions for themselves their whole life that they can't do something? In addition to that, when a person because disabled, they have to process it, and in that process, there's a lot of anger that gets misplaced. Since my mom was here every day, my mom often got the anger put on her, because my Grandma really had trouble accepting that she couldn't do things she wanted to. It has been hard for my mom, just as it was hard on my Grandma, but I can never applaud my mom enough for not giving up and walking away. My mom has had plenty of moments where she thought she was going to lose it, but chose family, and I am proud of her for it. I know that she is relieved as well that my grandmother is no longer in pain, and she is finally at the point where she can focus on herself again, which is wonderful, but at the same time, she just lost a parent. It doesn't matter if your parents are 50 or 100, losing a parent is losing a parent. I even told me mom last week that I wanted to help her through this as much as possible, because she has never lost a parent, and unfortunately, I have.

If there's one thing that I know, I know that my family, although dysfunctional more often than not, certainly understands the true meaning of family, and because of this, I know that family comes first. Family is about unconditional love, and I am so grateful that I have been taught that, because I want the same for my family.

I think the thing I'm going to miss the most about my Grandma is our jokes. For example, when I was in college, I used her address as my permanent mailing address, so I get a lot of junk mail here, including catalogs. I always gave her a hard time about "reading my mail" if she looked through my catalogs before I could, and she always thought it was funny, so eventually, the minute I'd look to check my mail, she'd say, "I already read it all!" or something along those lines, and it would always crack her up. Maybe she'll get some of my mail in Heaven. :)

 Maxine Carroll Waldrop

January 10, 1933 - June 14, 2012

Maxine  - 16 years old

Maxine - 1960ish
She looks so fabulous to me in this picture.

She was beautiful.

An Update.

Yesterday we had our monthly doctor's appointment, and Nathan is still doing well. I'm 26 weeks, and his measuring at 27 weeks, so I keep thinking maybe down the road they'll move my due date up, which would make me happy so I can see him sooner! :)

Travis's parent's just returned from a 3-week trip to California, which included visiting San Diego, San Francisco, Los Angeles, and of course, Disneyland---I have to share what they brought back:

ZOMGCUTEADORABLE!!

I'm talking about all of that because I'm having trouble finding the right segue to what I really want to talk about, which is news about my grandmother.

For the last few days, I've been wanting to find a way to let people know what's going on in our family, but I also don't want people to think I'm just asking for sympathy, because I'm not. I just want people in my life to know what's going on, so I'm opting to share information on my blog, because not everyone on my Facebook reads my blog (because I am so popular and I have like 15 trillion friends of course! ...ok, not really. I just have trouble saying no to friend requests), and I figure people that actually care about me are probably the ones reading this...so here we go.

In terms of grandparents, I have been blessed in my life. Until 2006, the only grandparent that I had that was deceased was my paternal grandfather, and he died before I was born. My mother's parents both divorced and remarried in the 1970's, so I had an abundance of loving grandparents, all of whom lived in the same city as me. I never had to travel far to visit grandparents...just down the street, and I loved it. Growing up, we never said things like, "my step-grandmother" or "my step-grandfather" ...it was Poppaw and Grandmom (my mom's dad and his wife) and Grandma and Grandpa (my mom's mom and her husband). All I knew was that they were my grandparents and that I loved them and they loved me.

In 2006, my Grandmom (who was technically my step-grandmother) passed away. Anyone who knows me knows that she was one of the most important people in my life, and that she and I had a very special bond. Losing her was definitely one of the hardest things I've ever dealt with, but in time, I learned how to live my life with her in my memory.

This year has been really intense in terms of my grandparents. My Poppaw (my mom's dad) has had some really difficult health problems, including  waking up one day and being essential paralyzed in his legs around Thanksgiving, to having pneumonia and contracting infections that he's had trouble battling, and a couple of months ago, I really thought that he wouldn't make it much longer. Thankfully, he has really progressed and seems to be on the road to recovery. In addition to dealing with all of his health scares, my Grandma (my mom's mother) has had some health problems. They discovered some heart problems, she's lost a lot of weight and can't get any back on (she weighs less than 100lbs), they've questioned her liver, and just a multitude of other things. On Monday of last week (June 4) she was admitted to the hospital for pneumonia. They began treating her with antibiotics immediately, but on Wednesday, the doctor met with our family and informed us that she has lost nearly all of her bone marrow, and that because your immune system is highly dependent on bone marrow, they didn't think she'd recover. They offered to do a bone marrow biopsy to see what was causing the loss, but bone marrow biopsies are painful, and aside from that, my Grandma didn't think that the testing would be worth it. She's 79, and due to extremely advanced osteoporosis and her other health problems, her overall quality of life has been pretty miserable, as she is pain constantly.

She and my Grandpa came to this decision together, and when I learned of it, I was completely supportive. After watching my Grandmom suffer for years with her health problems, I strongly feel that quality of life is far more important than anything else.

When Grandma and Grandpa reached the decision to opt out of testing, I just didn't know how long before the pneumonia would really take it's toll on Grandma. On Saturday night, Travis and I went to visit her, and there were a lot of people there, and she was sitting up and enjoying seeing everyone. During the night, her pneumonia got worse, so much so that she asked the doctors to quit treating her for pneumonia and put her on Hospice care. Originally, I heard that the doctor's were predicting that she'd make it through today, but now they're not too sure of when things should happen.

I just ask that if you're reading this, you keep our family in your thoughts/prayers. I know that this loss will be much harder for some than others, but it will be hard for everyone. My biggest prayer is that people like my Grandpa, mom and younger brother, Bryan, find the comfort they need. They are the 3 people that have spent the most time with her over the years, and I know that this loss will bring a range of emotion, and I'm praying that they will find comfort with their feelings and emotions, and they aren't afraid to talk to someone if they need to. If there's anything that our family agrees on, it's that our Grandma wouldn't want people worrying over her, and I know that she is worried about everyone.

She even told me last night to be careful on my drive home, and I told her that I promised I would, but she doesn't need to worry about me. She just needs to rest. I don't want her to have any more worries. I just want her to find peace, and to only think about good things.