I'll Miss You, Grandma

I really appreciate the phone calls, texts and comments that I have received since my last post about my grandmother, and it has taken me a few days to find what I wanted to say about her passing, because it just felt weird putting it on the internet. I think it's because everyone has that person on Facebook who is having some type of mega-crisis and they're always asking for sympathy. I just don't want to be that person, and I don't want to make my grandmother's passing about me.

After she requested to be on Hospice care at the hospital, I made it a point to spend as much time with her as I could. I can't remember which day exactly...I want to say it was Tuesday, when I went to leave for the evening, she grabbed both of my hands and told me how much she loves me, and that I 'better not forget it.' She also told me to take care of myself and Baby Nathan. I am so thankful that we were able to have this moment and talk about how much we loved each other, because it's a moment that I wouldn't trade for anything. I even told my mom recently that I've been lucky so far, that when my Grandmom died in 2006, the last thing she said to me was, "I love you" and the last thing my dad said to me before he died in 2010 was that he was proud of me and that he loved me.

On Wednesday, I was asked to spend the day with her at the hospital because my mom was exhausted, and since I don't have work right now, it made perfect sense to me to do it. I got there at 8am and she was in a lot of pain. I did everything I could do comfort her and ease her pain. I continuously asked the nurses for pain medicine, and they were diligent in fulfilling my requests. I also sat by her when she was awake and held her hand, giving her sips of water, and occasionally wipe her face with a cool wash cloth, which seemed really soothing to her. After a couple of hours of this and her pain becoming unbearable, I asked her if she would like a sedative so she wouldn't have to be awake for the pain, and she eagerly agreed. I asked the nurse for it and they gave it to her, and for the rest of the day, she was able to sleep. She woke up a few times asking for water, but would fall back asleep before I even had time to grab the cup. Around 7, I left for about 2 hours to go watch my husband play the drums in our church's band just a few minutes away at the Galveston Strand, and returned when it was over. I stayed until 11:30ish and found that it was hard to leave. I hated leaving her when she was asleep, because I didn't want to miss her being awake.

The next morning, (Thursday, June 14) Travis woke me up at 7 to let me know that my mom had just called with the news that Grandma passed away. The first thing I said was, "I'm so relieved" because watching her suffer was difficult for me. She told me on Wednesday that she was ready because the pain was too much. She had accepted it, and I did too. I just wanted her pain and suffering to end, and I am still thankful that it's over, because I believe in Heaven, so in my heart I know that she's in Heaven and for the first time in many years, she isn't in pain. She's been reunited with her sons that passed away before her, and while I know that we will all miss her here, it brings me comfort and peace to know that she's there.

Overall, I haven't cried much about it, but I think because I have such a strong belief that Heaven exists, it comforts me. The things that get me choked up are thinking about my nephew, Ethan dealing with this. He has seen her and spent time with her almost every single day of his entire life. He's only 6 years old, and it breaks my heart that he can't fully grasp it all just yet. He brought her so much joy in the last 6 years; joys that she probably wouldn't have had, because she's been in pain for a long time, but Ethan is the kind of kid that makes you forget your troubles and your pain. He just makes things better because he is a genuinely sweet child who loved her a much as she loved him.

I also keep worrying about my younger brother and how he's taking it. He's 21, but she was his second mom. He and I have talked about my relationship with our Grandmom (who passed in 2006) compared to his relationship with our Grandma and how similar they are. Grandmom was my second mom. She was a huge part of my life and without her, I wouldn't be the person I am today. I love all of my grandparents and always have, but my relationship with her was different. The same is true for my brother and our Grandma. I know what he's going through, because I've been through it. I know how hard it is, and if I could do anything to keep him from going through it, I would, but I can't, and that it what's hard for me.

Lastly, I keep worrying about my mom. My mom has been taking care of my Grandma and Grandpa since 2004 when my Grandma fell and broke her hip. Being a caretaker is not easy. How do you tell an adult who has been making decisions for themselves their whole life that they can't do something? In addition to that, when a person because disabled, they have to process it, and in that process, there's a lot of anger that gets misplaced. Since my mom was here every day, my mom often got the anger put on her, because my Grandma really had trouble accepting that she couldn't do things she wanted to. It has been hard for my mom, just as it was hard on my Grandma, but I can never applaud my mom enough for not giving up and walking away. My mom has had plenty of moments where she thought she was going to lose it, but chose family, and I am proud of her for it. I know that she is relieved as well that my grandmother is no longer in pain, and she is finally at the point where she can focus on herself again, which is wonderful, but at the same time, she just lost a parent. It doesn't matter if your parents are 50 or 100, losing a parent is losing a parent. I even told me mom last week that I wanted to help her through this as much as possible, because she has never lost a parent, and unfortunately, I have.

If there's one thing that I know, I know that my family, although dysfunctional more often than not, certainly understands the true meaning of family, and because of this, I know that family comes first. Family is about unconditional love, and I am so grateful that I have been taught that, because I want the same for my family.

I think the thing I'm going to miss the most about my Grandma is our jokes. For example, when I was in college, I used her address as my permanent mailing address, so I get a lot of junk mail here, including catalogs. I always gave her a hard time about "reading my mail" if she looked through my catalogs before I could, and she always thought it was funny, so eventually, the minute I'd look to check my mail, she'd say, "I already read it all!" or something along those lines, and it would always crack her up. Maybe she'll get some of my mail in Heaven. :)

 Maxine Carroll Waldrop

January 10, 1933 - June 14, 2012

Maxine  - 16 years old

Maxine - 1960ish
She looks so fabulous to me in this picture.

She was beautiful.

An Update.

Yesterday we had our monthly doctor's appointment, and Nathan is still doing well. I'm 26 weeks, and his measuring at 27 weeks, so I keep thinking maybe down the road they'll move my due date up, which would make me happy so I can see him sooner! :)

Travis's parent's just returned from a 3-week trip to California, which included visiting San Diego, San Francisco, Los Angeles, and of course, Disneyland---I have to share what they brought back:

ZOMGCUTEADORABLE!!

I'm talking about all of that because I'm having trouble finding the right segue to what I really want to talk about, which is news about my grandmother.

For the last few days, I've been wanting to find a way to let people know what's going on in our family, but I also don't want people to think I'm just asking for sympathy, because I'm not. I just want people in my life to know what's going on, so I'm opting to share information on my blog, because not everyone on my Facebook reads my blog (because I am so popular and I have like 15 trillion friends of course! ...ok, not really. I just have trouble saying no to friend requests), and I figure people that actually care about me are probably the ones reading this...so here we go.

In terms of grandparents, I have been blessed in my life. Until 2006, the only grandparent that I had that was deceased was my paternal grandfather, and he died before I was born. My mother's parents both divorced and remarried in the 1970's, so I had an abundance of loving grandparents, all of whom lived in the same city as me. I never had to travel far to visit grandparents...just down the street, and I loved it. Growing up, we never said things like, "my step-grandmother" or "my step-grandfather" ...it was Poppaw and Grandmom (my mom's dad and his wife) and Grandma and Grandpa (my mom's mom and her husband). All I knew was that they were my grandparents and that I loved them and they loved me.

In 2006, my Grandmom (who was technically my step-grandmother) passed away. Anyone who knows me knows that she was one of the most important people in my life, and that she and I had a very special bond. Losing her was definitely one of the hardest things I've ever dealt with, but in time, I learned how to live my life with her in my memory.

This year has been really intense in terms of my grandparents. My Poppaw (my mom's dad) has had some really difficult health problems, including  waking up one day and being essential paralyzed in his legs around Thanksgiving, to having pneumonia and contracting infections that he's had trouble battling, and a couple of months ago, I really thought that he wouldn't make it much longer. Thankfully, he has really progressed and seems to be on the road to recovery. In addition to dealing with all of his health scares, my Grandma (my mom's mother) has had some health problems. They discovered some heart problems, she's lost a lot of weight and can't get any back on (she weighs less than 100lbs), they've questioned her liver, and just a multitude of other things. On Monday of last week (June 4) she was admitted to the hospital for pneumonia. They began treating her with antibiotics immediately, but on Wednesday, the doctor met with our family and informed us that she has lost nearly all of her bone marrow, and that because your immune system is highly dependent on bone marrow, they didn't think she'd recover. They offered to do a bone marrow biopsy to see what was causing the loss, but bone marrow biopsies are painful, and aside from that, my Grandma didn't think that the testing would be worth it. She's 79, and due to extremely advanced osteoporosis and her other health problems, her overall quality of life has been pretty miserable, as she is pain constantly.

She and my Grandpa came to this decision together, and when I learned of it, I was completely supportive. After watching my Grandmom suffer for years with her health problems, I strongly feel that quality of life is far more important than anything else.

When Grandma and Grandpa reached the decision to opt out of testing, I just didn't know how long before the pneumonia would really take it's toll on Grandma. On Saturday night, Travis and I went to visit her, and there were a lot of people there, and she was sitting up and enjoying seeing everyone. During the night, her pneumonia got worse, so much so that she asked the doctors to quit treating her for pneumonia and put her on Hospice care. Originally, I heard that the doctor's were predicting that she'd make it through today, but now they're not too sure of when things should happen.

I just ask that if you're reading this, you keep our family in your thoughts/prayers. I know that this loss will be much harder for some than others, but it will be hard for everyone. My biggest prayer is that people like my Grandpa, mom and younger brother, Bryan, find the comfort they need. They are the 3 people that have spent the most time with her over the years, and I know that this loss will bring a range of emotion, and I'm praying that they will find comfort with their feelings and emotions, and they aren't afraid to talk to someone if they need to. If there's anything that our family agrees on, it's that our Grandma wouldn't want people worrying over her, and I know that she is worried about everyone.

She even told me last night to be careful on my drive home, and I told her that I promised I would, but she doesn't need to worry about me. She just needs to rest. I don't want her to have any more worries. I just want her to find peace, and to only think about good things.

25 weeks and counting...

How far along: 25weeks, 5 days

How big is baby: According to thebump.com, the baby about the size of a cauliflower, weighing about 1.5-2.5lbs, measuring 13-14ish inches.

Total weight gain: About 6lbs.

Sleep: Getting better. I was having trouble sleeping on my right side because it was making my hip hurt, so Travis and I decided to try switching sides of the bed, and it's been a good choice.

Maternity Clothes: Definitely

Morning Sickness: Nope

Food cravings: For a while I wasn't really wanting sweets as much, but in the last couple of weeks, I've been wanting them more.

Food aversions: Nothing new.

Challenges: Any time I drop something, (which is all the time) it's so hard to bend down to pick it up, and it's even harder to come back up.

Movement: All the time!

Boy or Girl?: Boy. 

What I’m looking forward to: We're planning to start our baby registries tomorrow, and I'm also looking forward to getting the nursery underway.

What I miss: Sleeping on my stomach. Last night at some point, I must have decided to lay on my stomach, and it was so uncomfortable it woke me up.

Next appt: This Monday.

I know it's been forever since my last update, and I'm sure nobody really noticed, as the school year was coming to an end, I just didn't have time to update, and when I did, I found my time was better used laying around and being unproductive...speaking of being unproductive,

SUMMER IS HERE!

I'm so happy that it finally arrived. Those last few weeks were crazy. I had students doing/saying all sorts of crazy things. Examples, you ask? 

I gave my acting classes about a week and a half to prepare for their finals, which was to find a scene or monologue in the library. Once they found it and had it approved by me, they were to complete a worksheet over the scene and then begin working on it.  They had 3 days in the library and the rest of the year in class. The last Friday of the year, I was disappointed because of low attendance in class, and that day as I was leaving for the afternoon, I see one of my students that had skipped class, and had their final the day after Memorial Day. I asked the student why they weren't in class that day, and the conversation went as follows:

Me: Where were you today? You missed the last chance to work on your scene before Tuesday.

Student: Oh, well, I wasn't at school today.
Me: Really? Then why are you here at 4pm on a Friday? You came back?

Student: Well, I was here, but I wasn't here.

Me: So in other words you were skipping?

Student: No, no, no, no, I was in school but I wasn't in school.

Me: Well if you weren't in school, why are you still wearing your ID? Is it a fashion choice? 

Student: ......

Me: I tell you what, I don't really care if you skip class or not, because it isn't my grade that's on the line. But I'll tell you what I do care about...I care about your partner that couldn't practice today because you were skipping class. 

Student: I'm sorry.

Me: Tell that to your partner, not to me. Again, it's not my grade. It's yours. Have a great weekend.

Then I continued toward my car, and it felt like one of those moments in a movie where the wind is blowing in the character's hair and they have excellent music on the soundtrack.

In addition to that, if I had a dollar for every time I had a student tell me, "You don't understand. School is almost over, I'm done doing work" I would be at least $100 richer. 

In other news, we've still yet to really begin on preparing for Baby Nathan's arrival. We have picked out the bedding that we want, and this week I was even going to get the crib, but Target has discontinued the crib I was wanting to get.

Thanks a lot, Target.

I was shopping online when I saw that none of the Target stores in my area were currently carrying the crib, but the Galleria Target store allegedly had 2, so I rounded up my brother-in-law and his wife, The Hazzardous Housewife to join me in the exciting adventure to the Galleria to get Nathan's crib. They were still showing that they had two, but a man from the store-room, Larry, explained to us that it was an error in the system, as he scoured the store-room for us, and that it showed in the system as a discontinued item. He did offer a little hope though...he said that Target was about to put out a new line of baby items, and that they often bring back popular items, and sometimes they're just updated. He said that this particular crib is very popular and he wouldn't be surprised if they brought it back. Here's to hoping that Larry is on the right track. :)

Travis and I also made our first trip to Babies-R-Us since we found out that we were having a baby, and we picked out the baby's bedding, assuming he'll eventually get a crib to sleep in.

The picture is horrible, just like the Babies-R-Us website.

It's overwhelming to me when I think of how loved our child is already, and he isn't even here yet. I know how much I love him, and of course Travis does, but when people that are friends and family get excited about Nathan, I'm overwhelmed. Above I posted the link to my sister-in-law's new blog, and she has recently begun learning to sew, and she made Nathan wash cloths because she needs a project, but I think that she also just wants to do fun things for her first nephew. On the last day of work, one of my teacher-friends was so sweet and gave me a gift bag full of brand-new (and adorable!) outfits for Nathan. Again, it just overwhelms me how much people love our baby already. :)

In my hiatus from blogging, I didn't really take time to take pictures of my growing belly, but I did take one, so I'll leave you with that.

Until I remember to post again,

Update for 21 Weeks and a Weekend Adventure!

How far along: 21 weeks, 1 day.

How big is baby: About the size of a pomegranate.

Total weight gain: I finally bought a scale, (it's the first one I've ever owned) but it's pretty useless since it's still sitting in the box. I weighed myself at the store that day, and freaked out when it was up about 6 pounds, but then I realized I was carrying my purse. Apparently my purse weighs 5-6 pounds, because I'm still the same.

Sleep: The last few days has been a little better. A pillow between my thighs/knees and when needed, a pillow under my feet.

Maternity Clothes: Definitely

Morning Sickness: Nope

Food cravings: Nothing new this week. Just the usual things.

Food aversions: It's definitely not an aversion, but I'm still eating a lot less meat than I used to. I also find myself not wanting as frequently.

Challenges: Um, swollen feet much? I've been dealing with it for the last two days, but we were traveling, however, it was intense.

Movement: Every day! :) Travis was even able to feel him move last night. So excited.

Boy or Girl?: Boy. 

What I’m looking forward to: Getting the nursery ready.

What I miss: Not getting up 24636 times a day to use the restroom.

Next appt: May 16thish.

This weekend we trekked to the fabulous Dallas/Fort Worth area to visit my cousin Mary from Food For the Family of Four and her family to celebrate her son's first birthday. Along with Travis and myself, my sister and nephew were able to join us, which made things more exciting. :) My nephew is 6 and in the beginning, was heartbroken to be leaving home for such a long time. We left around 5pm on Friday and were back home around 6pm today. 49 hours is a long time, isn't it? He was sad because his dad was unable to join us due to his work schedule and was sad because, He was going to, "miss everyone I know!"

On the ride up, (it's about a 4-4.5 hour trip normally, longer if there's traffic) he was a little weepy, saying he wasn't going to have any fun, and that he, "never wanted to go on a road trip again for my whole life!" We kept telling him that he would enjoy himself once we got there, and needless to say, we were right.

Just when we thought we were about to arrive, we discovered that there is more than one street with the same name in Mary's city, and our GPS took us to the wrong one. The actual destination that we were trying to get to was 40 minutes away from where the GPS brought us. As you can imagine, at 11:30pm after a day of work and and travel, I was less than enthused.

Saturday was the party and while it was in full swing, I was shamefully fighting dozing off in a chair. Then a friend of mine that I hadn't seen in a while arrived and I forced myself out of the chair so I would be less inclined to sleep. I really enjoyed getting to spend time with Mary's family and friends, and I was disappointed to have only been able to spend the day with them, but we promised my nephew that we would stay the night in downtown Dallas so we could wake up early and go to the Dallas World Aquarium.

On the way to the hotel, he was getting sad again, because he wanted to go home. He was saying that we wouldn't have any fun at the hotel...but most of it was attributed to him being so tired from playing with his cousin all day. We arrived at our hotel, ate the dinner that we picked up on the way in, and then decided to go swimming. He was so funny, he didn't want to put his swimsuit on because he was still determined not to enjoy himself. We finally convinced him to put it on and come downstairs, and as soon as he sat on the first step in the pool he was ready to play, and he had so much fun.

Things I learned at the pool? Being pregnant and doing an underwater handstand isn't comfortable. I know, what was I thinking? I didn't even think it would be an issue until about 1 second before, but I figure I would just try it and if I felt that it was a bad idea, I'd stop.

That's exactly what happened.

After the pool, Baby Nathan was kicking like crazy, and Travis was actually able to feel him, which was very exciting to me.

This morning we woke up and went the the Aquarium, and we had a lot of fun. My nephew is really interested in the ocean, especially the abyss, and his favorite fish the Angler fish. You know the really ugly one from Finding Nemo that had the light on it's little antenna? You would think it was a cute little fish since he's 6 and it's his favorite fish, but no, it's hideous. Anyway, the Aquarium has a Tasseled Angler Fish (or something like that) and when he finally got to see it, it was the highlight of my weekend. He was thrilled to get to see it, and kept saying how glad he was that we went.

Definitely a good weekend, although I will say I am exhausted.

Well, I'm taking Baby Nathan and myself to bed. :)

20 Weeks = Half Way! :)

How far along: 20 weeks, 3 days

How big is baby: About the size of a cantaloupe

Total weight gain: I haven't weighed myself this week, but I still don't think it's much if any.

Sleep: My sleep is still less and less sound. I sleep on my left side a lot, and I'm starting to get pain from the pressure in my hips.

Maternity Clothes: Definitely

Morning Sickness: Nope

Food cravings: Pastas

Food aversions: Nothing new.

Challenges: Getting adjusted to things I can no longer do myself, such as cleaning the bathroom. I just can't do it anymore. Not like that's a bad thing.

Movement: Yes! Yes! Yes! Yesterday was the first day I felt him moving consistently throughout the day, and today he has been quite active. Every time I feel him move, I smile. :)

Boy or Girl?: It's official as of yesterday that we are having a boy! Nathan Walker is set to make his debut September 15th. :)

What I’m looking forward to: Shopping for baby related goodies now that we know the gender!

What I miss: I'm starting to realllly miss coffee. To me, decaf just isn't the same.

Next appt: May 16thish.

Since I posted my latest baby-bump picture yesterday, I'll leave you with our 3D ultrasound picture we have from yesterday. It's not the best quality, and it's definitely weird looking, but it's something! :)

 

It's a...

BOY! We had an ultrasound today that checked all of the baby's organs and everything is very healthy so far! The heartbeat was 144 and the baby is really growing! We are very excited to meet our little Nathan! :)

We are beyond excited! :)

19 Weeks, including a pictures!

How far along: 19weeks, 1 day.

How big is baby: About the size of a mango

Total weight gain: Still none. :)

Sleep: The quality of my sleep decreases a little every day. I guess that's so I'll be ready for the many sleepless nights in my future.

Maternity Clothes: I couldn't get dressed without them. I'm actually hoping to go shopping today for more.

Morning Sickness: Nope.

Food cravings: This week, anything as long as it's food.

Food aversions: Nothing new.

Challenges: Not sleeping on my stomach.

Movement: I feel the baby move here and there, but not all the time. The doctor assured me that's normal.

Boy or Girl?: I'm convinced that our baby is shy like Travis, because there's no way it could be stubborn like me. We tried to find out on Monday, but the baby was so active that it wouldn't sit still long enough to determine anything.

What I’m looking forward to: Finding out the gender, and getting to hold my baby for the first time.

What I miss: Barbeque, but when I eat it, I just don't like it. I miss liking barbeque. I live in Texas. Barbeque is mandatory.

Next appt: April 30th.

I have decided that I finally look pregnant enough and not just overweight so that I'm comfortable posting pictures. If you know me at all, you know that I don't care for pictures of myself. There aren't any 'before' pictures of me that are showcasing my stomach, so you can go ahead and let go of that pipe dream. :)

I'm definitely looking forward to the summer so I can get things done that I've been putting off, such as getting nursery ideas. The only thing I've picked out so far is a crib, but I haven't even done that much searching yet, so I'll probably change my mind. The only thing that is definitive at this point is that I want the furniture to be black. Also, whatever we get has to correlate with yellow, since the wall in the baby's room is yellow, and since we're moving out this year, I have no intentions of repainting it.

I also need to take my last test for teaching certification, since I put that off last year and regretfully had to renew my probationary certificate.

I could probably consider cleaning our home as well, considering it always looks like the Tazmanian Devil lives here. Somehow, Travis and I are going to have to learn to find the time to keep things neat, because at this rate, I'm afraid we'll lose the baby in a pile of laundry or something.

Maybe I just need a maid. :)