My Near Death Experience(s) on the Interstate

Yesterday, I had the fabulous task of driving through Houston. I decided to go at a time when the roads wouldn't be clogged with traffic, since I just knew that would make my drive easier.

My lesson? Just because you're not in bumper-to-bumper traffic doesn't mean that you're not on the highway with Houston's finest idiots.

I was probably about 15 minutes into my drive, enjoying my Frou Frou CD somewhat mindlessly when I realize that I'm going about 55mph in a 65mph zone. UM...WHAT THE HECK? I immediately throw on my blinker to get around the bozo in front of me that has NOBODY in front of him so that I may continue on my journey at a speed that is suitable for highway driving.

OF COURSE I CAN'T GET OVER. Everyone is speeding around ME, being truly Houstonian and NOT LETTING ME OVER. Then, the vehicle in front of me starts speeding up, and I was like, "Oh, good. He finally got the memo that this is NOT the place to be trailin' along like Granny."

Nope. He slows back down to his comfortable 55mph. This guy is killing me at this point, so much that I may or may not be audibly saying in my best whiny 6-year old voice, "Dude, COME ONNNNNN-UH!!! JUST DRIVE-UH!!!"

I finally manage to get around this person, and of course when I do, traffic is slowing down a little due to merging lanes and whatnot, and I find myself wishing I was still behind "10 & 2" my favorite slow-moving driver, (I actually verbally called the slow guy '10 & 2' at some point, because when I was driving next to him he had his elbows locked and his hands precisely at 10 & 2) because I have managed to get stuck behind an 18-wheeler, and that's never fun. What felt like decades later, I finally am able to get past the slow-traffic, past 10 & 2 and past the 18-wheeler. I'm driving happily at 65mph, (I truly am not much of a speeder) where there wasn't really anyone on either side of me and I start coming up on another chunk of slow-traffic ahead. (That's part of the beauty of Houston traffic. Just as soon as there's an open part of the highway, it's only seconds before you're at the next slow. SO FUN. Try it sometime.

I inevitably find myself in the left lane sandwiched between the barricade from the highway and yet another stream of 18-wheelers, driving behind a very large industrial big rig. This makes me uncomfortable because in my head, my reality is turning into a scene from Final Destination and it always freaks me out a little. Moments later, a lane begins to merge into the left lane of the highway, and there's nobody coming, so there's finally more space. It was like a breath of fresh air and happiness to me until...

OHMYGODOGMYGODOHMYGOD. IS THAT TRUCK SERIOUSLY ABOUT TO JACK-KNIFE IN FRONT OF ME?!?! OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD. WHY IS HE SWERVING? I'M GOING TO SLAM DIRECTLY INTO THIS GUY AND BLOW UP WHEN MY CAR HITS HIS GAS TANK. OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD.

These are the thoughts going through my head as the industrial big rig starts swerving in front of me at weird angles. I start slowing down as I'm picturing explosions and imagining what it's going to feel to die in 10 seconds when the truck gets it together and keeps truckin' along and starts speeding to about 75mph.

What just happened? Why did this guy just put MY life in danger? Doesn't he know how to drive that thing?

As I'm contemplating whether or not this guy even has a license or the training to drive that vehicle, yet another fabulous incident occurs. Before I tell you, let me explain something to you.

Down here in the good 'ol south, there are LOTS of large trucks, and the kind of trucks I'm referring to are called "DUELIES" 'round these parts. Usually, "DUELIES" are meant for farm-use, as denoted on their license plates, but I always manage to see these stupid trucks on the INTERSTATE IN HOUSTON, which is clearly NOT on the farm. I believe that in order to own a "DUELIE" you have to be completely devoid of intelligence or driving skill, because these are always the jerks that are inconsiderate on the road.

For anyone scratching their heads and thinking, "Really...what is a 'duelie' and what does it look like?"

ENTER "DUELIE" DRIVING HICK WHO CUTS ME OFF AND ALMOST HITS ME WITH HIS EXTENDED 5th AND 6th WHEELS.

Seriously, had I not just encountered a horrifying near-death-experience with the random industrial big rig? Was that just NOT enough? Ugh, sometimes, driving in Houston is just too spayshul.

I did manage to make it safely to my destination, in one piece, without my life turning into a scene from Final Destination. Whew.